officially shattered

its been 10 days since my post of confusion..well i am not confused anymore, i did in fact get a hold of my ex..turns out the time he was MIA from me he was cheating...i didn't want to believe what i heard on the other side of the phone line. i was pretty sure that was what was going on, it was just something that i felt inside, but to actually hear it from him made it real somehow. after 8 yrs. this is how it ended. after all the years of fighting, breaking up, getting back together, it finally became really over when he cheated. i never though he would actually break that trust i had for him, i felt so stupid, so foolish. I've never felt so betrayed by someone like he betrayed me. i just keep going over myself, thinking what could be wrong with me, how can i change so he'd want me again, even though its not something i could of prevented, its not something i can change either. it is what it is and i just gotta learn how to let go somehow, move on and try to heal my shattered heart. i try to keep myself busy, not to think of him, to think of him with that other girl, i try hard not to think of how much i hurt, i try hard not to cry throughout the day. i am actually getting better and its only been a few days since i learned the truth. i think its because before he called i already knew the truth, so i already sorta delt with it, i already started the grieving process so to speak. i didn't just lose my boyfriend, my lover, but also my best friend in the whole mixed up world. i feel alone, like I've been abandoned in the middle of nowhere, with no light, no map, no direction and i gotta find my way back home. i know God will lead me where he wants me to go, i know with Him i am never really alone, i also know he didn't make unbreakable hearts, which i wish he had.

trying to deal with a broken heart and hidden tears

So here I sit watching Dog the bounty hunter...(I love that show so much) and thinking of my "boyfriend" or "ex-boyfriend" i haven't decided, who hasn't talked to me in about 2 weeks for whatever reason, I have tried to call him, called his mom's house and left lots of messages, but NOTHING. I don't know what to think, what to feel or how to react other than pure anger! he made me all these promises right before Christmas how, told me all these things I wanted to hear, turns out it was all BS....I feel like a damn fool for believing him in the first place, for giving him a second chance, and most of all for buying into all the BS he sold me. I just would like for him to just call, tell me anything at this point, he could call and say "F you" or "I lost my phone" or "listen we're over" anything, but I've heard nothing so far. it just makes me wonder what he is out doing, or who he is out doing! my mind has wondered into just about all explanations there could be. the sad thing is, he gave me a ring right after x-mas, a very pretty white gold band with two stripes of diamonds, it was suppose to mean something but apparently not, at least not for him. I know i deserve an explanation from him, I deserve to know what the hell is going on with him. I am so F***ing pissed, I am so aggravated, so heartbroken, so confused, but I am also worried, it worries me when I haven't heard from someone I love cause my mind tends to go to a dark spot that scares me. I don't know what to do right now, sit and wait, just throw my hands up and say F*** it, I dunno right now, at this moment I am angry, sad and BLAH!

On a lighter note, my few days with my cousin went very well, which I was actually shocked about, same ol' same ol' pretty much, it was like nothing had changed, we laughed at night until we cried, I got to play with her 3yr. who is just about the cutest little kid ever, he is auistic, so he doesn't talk that much, but we had a blast without words....I am hoping we stay in touch, we start being more involved in each others lives now, and stop letting stupid family drama get in between us. I can't wait to go see her again and play with matthew again, he is amazing, funny and adorable!

cartoons just for kids?

so my cousin called this morning, we've been talking some lately, we lost contact a few years ago after some not so wonderful family drama, that didn't include us but for some reason we got dragged down with it. right now though we are talking and she is planing to come up this evening and see me, maybe go do something tonight. I'm really apprehensive about it mostly cause i haven't seen her in such a long time, we grew up as sisters so really it doesn't matter how much time goes by when we are together it seems like we pick up right where we left off. I'm also nervous about what my mother will say when she finds out we have started talking again. now i realize i am 26yrs. and what i do isn't really any of my mothers concern, but my mothers opinion is very important to me, it always has been. i in no way want to cause any friction between my mom and i. but i know it will. i gotta realize though that now that i am an adult i will sometimes do things that my mother doesn't agree with but it doesn't make them wrong. i love my mom but sometimes i gotta live for myself and not worry about her opinions as much. i also think that as an adult my mom should be on a need to know basis to an extent. my cousin and i have had our share of problems, she's done things i don't agree with, I've done things she doesn't agree with, but when you grow up with someone and your so close with them your willing to forgive the past, move forward and give second, third, fourth chances. i am actually excited about her coming over...its been awhile since i saw her, last, we have so much to catch up on, so much to talk about and so much to laugh about. i will definitely blog what happens if she does come by...I'm sure it'll be eventful!

thoughts on kid, God, and my hair

for for the last 3 days I took care of my little cousin, she is 9 months old and a hand full to say the least. I never really realized how hard it was to take care of a baby, I know it was only for 3 days so I just got a small taste of what it must really be like...but OMG it was stressful, tiring, hard but above all else full filling and fun. I realized how I am so NOT ready for such a huge responsibility, and how I am glad I didn't make the mistake like all my close friends in having one so early in life. I know that a part of me would like to have a baby of my own one day maybe, but the thing that breaks my heart is how I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have such a miracle.. for the last few years I've been having alot of problems with my whole "womanly parts" situation and well things aren't going good and my doctors aren't really reassuring me. now I know and strongly believe that the only one who can make final decision is God, but I know my body and I know when its not working the way it should. taking care of my little cousin made me happy but also sad, I actually cry at times cause it breaks my heart so much when I see people pregnant or have children and know that it may never be me. :(. I realize though that I gotta give all my heartbreak, stress and worries about this over to God and let him lead me where I need to be. I'm not a patient person so its sorta hard for me.

Speaking of God, I read a friend of mines newest post and it got me to thinking how some people believe you have to go to church 3 or 4 times a week to be close to him, you gotta know the Bible back and forth to know him etc. but I believe God and I know each other very well. I believe in him and Believe all thing through him are and will be possible if its in his plan for you. I didn't exactly grow up in a very good evnviroment my parents weren't exactly the greatest at times, there was alot of drinking, domestic abuse and child abuse, drugs etc. so I turned to the only one I knew would protect me and listen to me when no one else would. God, he has brought me through so much and taught me true forgiveness and love. but at the same time church wasn't a huge thing in my house, I mean my sister and I went on Sunday mornings (which was good for us) but it wasn't really ever a family affair...but as I grew up I for some reason stopped going, but I believe that even though I don't go like I should God still loves me, protects me and forgives me like he does the "church goers". my family and I wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this, i wouldn't be able to forgive those who have hurt me, my mother would not be alive after battling breast cancer twice. when people look down on me for not going to church or knowing every bible verse, I think how rude of them, its not their place to judge me to, question my love for God or my commitment to Him. God and I have a relationship, we have talks and we have love, just cause its not always in a church doesn't make it any less real!

Okay to my pointless post, my hair (i know you laughed when you read this part) seriously i have a friend who is a guy, in a band, a rock band at that and he has way better hair than i do, whats up with that, i spend alot of money, effort and time on my hair to make sure its pretty, soft and everything but yet some guy comes along who has way better hair than i do..its so not fair at all. now if your a girl you know that our hair means alot to us, its usually the first thing someone notices, its something that's your best accessory to any event...but for some reason i have always thought my hair was just to plain and blah, its dark brown, thin, and straight, right now its sorta all choppy and i have those side bangs that's all the rage with the "young crowd" but whatever...i hate being so blah all the time, i am seriously thinking of doing something completely different to step it up a little, to maybe have really great hair once in my life even if i hate taking risks LOL..why let a guy have all the fun in the hair department right? what a rant i know, but its been bugging me since i saw his new hair cut!!!! LOL

i just keep thinking of him

I realize that sometimes we can't control who we love, but what if the person we love is someone we shouldn't?
let me explain, I have this long time friend of about 9yrs. we'll call him "jw" we've known each other since high school, have alot of mutual friends, etc. my boyfriend just happens to be his best friend, which is great right, i mean one of your best friends is also really good friends with your boyfriend. well in this case the answer is no! i have had very serious feelings for "jw" for a very, very long time..and well thats not good when his best friend is your boyfriend. the boyfriend who is suppose to be the love of your life and what not. "jw" just does something to me when he is around, I can't breathe, my stomach drops, I never can think of anything to say that's worth anything...I just get all giddy inside. I know that its not right to be with someone when your constantly thinking of someone else. I also know that I can not ever tell anyone, ever. I've never told "jw" how I feel about him but I know he knows. and my boyfriend has absolutely no idea how I feel. I guess its true a women's heart is an ocean of secrets.
I don't know if I am in actual love with "jw", I guess in a way I do love him, he is always on my mind, I'm always dreaming of him, which is completely out of my control, cause I go out of my way at night to think of anything else besides him so I won't dream of him, it hasn't helped yet. "jw" and I have this werid connection, we always have. when he comes over to my house weather it be with my boyfriend or by himself, he always goes out of his way to sit by me, to talk to me, I always catch him looking at me, or he catches me looking at him, either way when our eyes meet its not just a casual thing, its for a long moment, its like he's peering deep inside me and I'm doing the same to him. of course we look away before anyone notices. its almost electric when we see each other, like there's this magnet pulling us together and we're trying desperately to fight it. the worse thing of this whole situation "jw" got married a few years ago...needless to say I was heartbroken, I shouldn't of been though, I have a boyfriend, I am suppose to be committed to just him, my heart isn't suppose to be torn between two people. when "jw" got married I figured it would all change, my feelings, his feelings, our werid connection but not in the slightest. everything stayed exactly the same, our long glances, our flirting, our magnetic field between us. I do feel guilty sometimes, he's married, with a baby, I'm with someone to, but yet I can't get rid of this feelings for him and I know he has feelings for me, not only can I feel it in my soul, but people have told me things. I will not act on my feelings or impulses, I can't, it would cause way to much chaos, way to much heartbreak all around the table, not to mention I'm not that kind of girl. but am I just a prisoner of my heart and my secrets. I refuse to break up a long time friendship over my selfishness.....but I can't just stop my heart from feeling so intensely about someone, someone I know I may never have. "jw" has given me lots of inspiration with my writing, alot of reason I've cried and lots of reasons I've laughed....
maybe we were lovers in our past lives, maybe we were some exotic twosome somewhere long ago, but whatever was then, now we are destined to be "just friends"...two people in love who can never be together.

random thoughts on anything and everything

I know that being a teenager is really tough, i was one not to long ago myself, I know all the pressures, all the heartache, all the issues they face. what i don't exactly understand is what makes them make the decions they do. for example what does an 18yr. boy want with a 15yr girl? (besides the obvious) the reason this is weighing heavy on my mind is simple, my little cousin (18) who has this very irresponsible friend who is also 18,for whatever reason this friend who we'll call "S" decided that 15yrs. are what he is attracted to. now usually i keep my mouth shut, usually i just let "kids be kids" but this situation has really been bugging me. "S" decided that at a "party" to "hook-up" with this little girl (the 15yr) they had sex of course and turns out didn't use a condom, now she "thinks" she might be pregnet!!! OMG i could of slapped this boy, (i haven't met this girl as of yet) not only was this girl underage, but no condom..this just screams STUPID to me, first off i think where was this boy during health class in school, second where is this girls parents. apparently to this boy its really not that big of a deal that she is 15yr. just that she "might" be pregnet. to me this is a child, actually 2 children to be exact. the night "S" told me about his little "party" with the girl, he asked for my opions, and of course i couldn't help but give my "opinon" on the entire situation at hand, i told him how irresponsible that was not only was she a minor and he could do jail time, but no condom is one of the stupidest actions 2 people can make. i told him how i thought that he should of known better. of course being a teenage boy he came up with all sorts of excuses from " it has been 3 months since my last time and i didn't think of a condom" to " i know she was only 15yr. but p**** is p****" . i really don't know what these teenagers were thinking, i sorta feel sorry for this girl cause come to find out she just does this sort of thing with every guy she comes in contact with, another friend of my cousin said that if your just sitting by her she'll try to get you to sleep with her. now i know she is 15yr. she should know better but i wonder what sort of home life does she have that drives her to that reckless behavior, does she not feel love? its sad but she should know right from wrong. i know that teenagers are going to have sex if they want to, i was one, but i also know that at 15yr. you should not be thinking of such a grown-up act, especially with different boys all the time. like i said i usually just let "kids be kids" but as an adult i felt like i was right in trying to tell this child where he went wrong, how he needs to go about fixing this mistake and where he goes from here, okay so maybe i didn't go about it the right way, but i was so angry cause i have a little sister who is 21 now but at one time she was 15. my boyfriends little sister who is like mine as well is 15yr. and i would probably kill any 18yr. boy who tried to even date her ( i know i know its not right) . i just don't know when being a teenager meant dating someone way younger than you. when did it be okay to sleep with 15yrs. no matter if its a guy or a girl, and when did it get to be okay to just stop being a parent when kids need you the most. i know i don't know much about kids since i'm only 26 and don't have any yet, but i know what its like to be a teen, what they think and how they act when its just them and their peers, but seriously i think some people need to be knock up side the head when they have teens and say "okay now pay attention the next few years are going to be hell and they need you now more than ever so step up your game mom & dad"!
this little rant actually made me feel better, i've been holding all this in for the last week and its about to burst out, it doesn't make it any easier that every time i see this little boy he is bragging about sleeping with this little girl OMG boys and hormones. i've decided that i am glad i am not a teenager anymore. but of course when i was one, i was raised right, i did right, i was not at "parties" with boys at 15yr. not even 18, i didn't go out at night, i sure as hell didn't have sex at 15yr. i was afraid of my parents finding out cause if your a mom and you read this, you guys know everything about everything and everyone, its almost scary, i am 26 and my mom still knows all and sees all. i guess i was just raised different and i think we need to go back to when you could slap your kid in the face for screaming at you, spank them when they acted up, get rid of this time out BS and what not, go back to actual disipline then kids would straighten up and maybe not be having sex at 15yr without condoms.

just some thoughts on the single world, and those couples we revolve around

why is it when we're single, all we see are couples, but when we're coupled up all we see are singles? when we're a part of a couple people tell us how great single life is, but when we're single they tell us how we should be coupled up? its like a no win situation. my friend who i love so much, recently said to me "I'd like to see you happy in a relationship" even though she's the one who has said that i should spend some time by myself, figuring things out. i don't understand why people think that once one relationship is over you need to immediately find a new one? I'm not saying that i am enjoying the single life, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a new relationship yet either. i just don't understand why once your friends get into a serious relationship or get married they think that they need to push you to do the same. can't friends just be supportive instead of trying to push you into having what they have. i know when friends are happy they want you to be happy as well, but why is it no matter what their status is they want your to be the same.
I'm also tired of listening to people gush about how in love they are, how perfect their lives are, how happy they are, shoot me in the head now! i am happy for them, i want my friends to be happy, to feel loved, but its not something i need to hear about constantly when i am going through a break-up, when i am trying to put my heart back together, when i am not in a loving mood right now...can't they just shut the hell up for awhile until i get my air back. i mean is it really necessary to shout your happiness so fucking loudly. don't they realize when your alone you don't want to hear really cute stories about their perfect boyfriends. they should know by now that we know everything about them, we know when their happy, we know when things are going great, they don't have to keep mentioning it all the damn time. okay so maybe this is just a bitter rant, maybe since i am mad at my ex i am taking it out on all the couples in my little world, but right now i don't want to watch romantic movies, i don't want to read love stories, i don't want to hear about how much in love my friends are, i don't want to see a happy couple making out in front of me. instead i want to watch a slasher movie, i want to read about the wife who divorced her husband and took all his money, i want to hear about the lastest fight my friends are having, i want to see couples arguing. its not that i am against couples, or relationships, actually i am very much for them, i am very good at them actually, i do very well in a couple setting, but right now i want to be mad, i want to be negative, i want to have a few drinks and not think about my heartache. i realize that when your in love and everything seems really perfect, you want everyone to know, you want everyone to see, but why must they show it to someone who isn't as lucky. once again can't they just shut the hell up when they are around us single people??? its annoying, its stupid, its aggravating and most of all its really really horrible. cause then you start thinking about how much you hurt, you start thinking about how much you are alone, how no one loves you blah blah blah. it kills your buzz, it make you want to throw up all over the happy couple then laugh. but most of all it makes you want to bash your head in a wall until you lose consciencenous .I'm just being a bitch, but i feel like i am justified. i really feel like i can be as bitter as i want to be right now. I'm a like a little kid that just lost a t-ball game. screw the other team, i should of won and i plan on being a complete and utterly perfect sore loser!
i just have alot of pent up frustration i suppose, alot of anger i have yet to deal with. its in my nature, Virgos always suppress shit they should deal with right away LOL..so all i can say is its in my sign i suppose, just another flaw i gotta learn to deal with. if you read this my friend that i love so much (and you know who you are) i want you to know that i really am happy for you, i know you deserve to be happy, and i would never want anything less for you, i know your happy and in love, and i believe that is the most greatest thing for you. just know this blog has nothing to do with you what so ever, this is all about me, my words are not intended to be towards you, its just me getting my feelings out the only way i know how, and this you know better than anyone.
writing has always been my outlet (apparently right) its always been the way I've expressed myself, I've never had to worry about how people would judge me, what they would think, how it might affect me. its always been something that i knew i could do without permission, something i controlled. when i write i can say all the things i can't out loud. i can feel however i want, i can be brutally honest, i don't have to lie, i don't have to fake a smile, or pretend everything is okay, cause when i write its me, nothing more nothing less. just me, my words are my own and no one can take it away from me. i honestly believe that a piece of paper and a pen are the only things in this world i can count on, i can trust with all my heart and it will never judge me, never question me, never talk back, it just lets me say my say, its my best friend, the one thing i can turn to at the end of the day and know that when i am done i will feel better.