for for the last 3 days I took care of my little cousin, she is 9 months old and a hand full to say the least. I never really realized how hard it was to take care of a baby, I know it was only for 3 days so I just got a small taste of what it must really be like...but OMG it was stressful, tiring, hard but above all else full filling and fun. I realized how I am so NOT ready for such a huge responsibility, and how I am glad I didn't make the mistake like all my close friends in having one so early in life. I know that a part of me would like to have a baby of my own one day maybe, but the thing that breaks my heart is how I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have such a miracle.. for the last few years I've been having alot of problems with my whole "womanly parts" situation and well things aren't going good and my doctors aren't really reassuring me. now I know and strongly believe that the only one who can make final decision is God, but I know my body and I know when its not working the way it should. taking care of my little cousin made me happy but also sad, I actually cry at times cause it breaks my heart so much when I see people pregnant or have children and know that it may never be me. :(. I realize though that I gotta give all my heartbreak, stress and worries about this over to God and let him lead me where I need to be. I'm not a patient person so its sorta hard for me.
Speaking of God, I read a friend of mines newest post and it got me to thinking how some people believe you have to go to church 3 or 4 times a week to be close to him, you gotta know the Bible back and forth to know him etc. but I believe God and I know each other very well. I believe in him and Believe all thing through him are and will be possible if its in his plan for you. I didn't exactly grow up in a very good evnviroment my parents weren't exactly the greatest at times, there was alot of drinking, domestic abuse and child abuse, drugs etc. so I turned to the only one I knew would protect me and listen to me when no one else would. God, he has brought me through so much and taught me true forgiveness and love. but at the same time church wasn't a huge thing in my house, I mean my sister and I went on Sunday mornings (which was good for us) but it wasn't really ever a family affair...but as I grew up I for some reason stopped going, but I believe that even though I don't go like I should God still loves me, protects me and forgives me like he does the "church goers". my family and I wouldn't be where we are if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this, i wouldn't be able to forgive those who have hurt me, my mother would not be alive after battling breast cancer twice. when people look down on me for not going to church or knowing every bible verse, I think how rude of them, its not their place to judge me to, question my love for God or my commitment to Him. God and I have a relationship, we have talks and we have love, just cause its not always in a church doesn't make it any less real!
Okay to my pointless post, my hair (i know you laughed when you read this part) seriously i have a friend who is a guy, in a band, a rock band at that and he has way better hair than i do, whats up with that, i spend alot of money, effort and time on my hair to make sure its pretty, soft and everything but yet some guy comes along who has way better hair than i do..its so not fair at all. now if your a girl you know that our hair means alot to us, its usually the first thing someone notices, its something that's your best accessory to any event...but for some reason i have always thought my hair was just to plain and blah, its dark brown, thin, and straight, right now its sorta all choppy and i have those side bangs that's all the rage with the "young crowd" but whatever...i hate being so blah all the time, i am seriously thinking of doing something completely different to step it up a little, to maybe have really great hair once in my life even if i hate taking risks LOL..why let a guy have all the fun in the hair department right? what a rant i know, but its been bugging me since i saw his new hair cut!!!! LOL
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