i just keep thinking of him

I realize that sometimes we can't control who we love, but what if the person we love is someone we shouldn't?
let me explain, I have this long time friend of about 9yrs. we'll call him "jw" we've known each other since high school, have alot of mutual friends, etc. my boyfriend just happens to be his best friend, which is great right, i mean one of your best friends is also really good friends with your boyfriend. well in this case the answer is no! i have had very serious feelings for "jw" for a very, very long time..and well thats not good when his best friend is your boyfriend. the boyfriend who is suppose to be the love of your life and what not. "jw" just does something to me when he is around, I can't breathe, my stomach drops, I never can think of anything to say that's worth anything...I just get all giddy inside. I know that its not right to be with someone when your constantly thinking of someone else. I also know that I can not ever tell anyone, ever. I've never told "jw" how I feel about him but I know he knows. and my boyfriend has absolutely no idea how I feel. I guess its true a women's heart is an ocean of secrets.
I don't know if I am in actual love with "jw", I guess in a way I do love him, he is always on my mind, I'm always dreaming of him, which is completely out of my control, cause I go out of my way at night to think of anything else besides him so I won't dream of him, it hasn't helped yet. "jw" and I have this werid connection, we always have. when he comes over to my house weather it be with my boyfriend or by himself, he always goes out of his way to sit by me, to talk to me, I always catch him looking at me, or he catches me looking at him, either way when our eyes meet its not just a casual thing, its for a long moment, its like he's peering deep inside me and I'm doing the same to him. of course we look away before anyone notices. its almost electric when we see each other, like there's this magnet pulling us together and we're trying desperately to fight it. the worse thing of this whole situation "jw" got married a few years ago...needless to say I was heartbroken, I shouldn't of been though, I have a boyfriend, I am suppose to be committed to just him, my heart isn't suppose to be torn between two people. when "jw" got married I figured it would all change, my feelings, his feelings, our werid connection but not in the slightest. everything stayed exactly the same, our long glances, our flirting, our magnetic field between us. I do feel guilty sometimes, he's married, with a baby, I'm with someone to, but yet I can't get rid of this feelings for him and I know he has feelings for me, not only can I feel it in my soul, but people have told me things. I will not act on my feelings or impulses, I can't, it would cause way to much chaos, way to much heartbreak all around the table, not to mention I'm not that kind of girl. but am I just a prisoner of my heart and my secrets. I refuse to break up a long time friendship over my selfishness.....but I can't just stop my heart from feeling so intensely about someone, someone I know I may never have. "jw" has given me lots of inspiration with my writing, alot of reason I've cried and lots of reasons I've laughed....
maybe we were lovers in our past lives, maybe we were some exotic twosome somewhere long ago, but whatever was then, now we are destined to be "just friends"...two people in love who can never be together.