just some thoughts on the single world, and those couples we revolve around

why is it when we're single, all we see are couples, but when we're coupled up all we see are singles? when we're a part of a couple people tell us how great single life is, but when we're single they tell us how we should be coupled up? its like a no win situation. my friend who i love so much, recently said to me "I'd like to see you happy in a relationship" even though she's the one who has said that i should spend some time by myself, figuring things out. i don't understand why people think that once one relationship is over you need to immediately find a new one? I'm not saying that i am enjoying the single life, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a new relationship yet either. i just don't understand why once your friends get into a serious relationship or get married they think that they need to push you to do the same. can't friends just be supportive instead of trying to push you into having what they have. i know when friends are happy they want you to be happy as well, but why is it no matter what their status is they want your to be the same.
I'm also tired of listening to people gush about how in love they are, how perfect their lives are, how happy they are, shoot me in the head now! i am happy for them, i want my friends to be happy, to feel loved, but its not something i need to hear about constantly when i am going through a break-up, when i am trying to put my heart back together, when i am not in a loving mood right now...can't they just shut the hell up for awhile until i get my air back. i mean is it really necessary to shout your happiness so fucking loudly. don't they realize when your alone you don't want to hear really cute stories about their perfect boyfriends. they should know by now that we know everything about them, we know when their happy, we know when things are going great, they don't have to keep mentioning it all the damn time. okay so maybe this is just a bitter rant, maybe since i am mad at my ex i am taking it out on all the couples in my little world, but right now i don't want to watch romantic movies, i don't want to read love stories, i don't want to hear about how much in love my friends are, i don't want to see a happy couple making out in front of me. instead i want to watch a slasher movie, i want to read about the wife who divorced her husband and took all his money, i want to hear about the lastest fight my friends are having, i want to see couples arguing. its not that i am against couples, or relationships, actually i am very much for them, i am very good at them actually, i do very well in a couple setting, but right now i want to be mad, i want to be negative, i want to have a few drinks and not think about my heartache. i realize that when your in love and everything seems really perfect, you want everyone to know, you want everyone to see, but why must they show it to someone who isn't as lucky. once again can't they just shut the hell up when they are around us single people??? its annoying, its stupid, its aggravating and most of all its really really horrible. cause then you start thinking about how much you hurt, you start thinking about how much you are alone, how no one loves you blah blah blah. it kills your buzz, it make you want to throw up all over the happy couple then laugh. but most of all it makes you want to bash your head in a wall until you lose consciencenous .I'm just being a bitch, but i feel like i am justified. i really feel like i can be as bitter as i want to be right now. I'm a like a little kid that just lost a t-ball game. screw the other team, i should of won and i plan on being a complete and utterly perfect sore loser!
i just have alot of pent up frustration i suppose, alot of anger i have yet to deal with. its in my nature, Virgos always suppress shit they should deal with right away LOL..so all i can say is its in my sign i suppose, just another flaw i gotta learn to deal with. if you read this my friend that i love so much (and you know who you are) i want you to know that i really am happy for you, i know you deserve to be happy, and i would never want anything less for you, i know your happy and in love, and i believe that is the most greatest thing for you. just know this blog has nothing to do with you what so ever, this is all about me, my words are not intended to be towards you, its just me getting my feelings out the only way i know how, and this you know better than anyone.
writing has always been my outlet (apparently right) its always been the way I've expressed myself, I've never had to worry about how people would judge me, what they would think, how it might affect me. its always been something that i knew i could do without permission, something i controlled. when i write i can say all the things i can't out loud. i can feel however i want, i can be brutally honest, i don't have to lie, i don't have to fake a smile, or pretend everything is okay, cause when i write its me, nothing more nothing less. just me, my words are my own and no one can take it away from me. i honestly believe that a piece of paper and a pen are the only things in this world i can count on, i can trust with all my heart and it will never judge me, never question me, never talk back, it just lets me say my say, its my best friend, the one thing i can turn to at the end of the day and know that when i am done i will feel better.

my minni vaction thus far

its been awhile since I've blogged anything, and since I've had a few drinks and thoughts are racing through my head i figured it was a good time to update. I'm currently out of town visiting a long, long time friend...this chick is someone who knows me better than i know myself sometimes (which is scary sometimes) its only been one day so far, but i gotta say I'm having a good time thus far, just hanging out with her and getting to know her boyfriend has been a blast. but i gotta admit that seeing how good they are together, how in love they are, well it makes me sorta sad, sorta jealous, and sorta angry all at the same time. it just seems like everyone is in love and happy except me. i am very happy for her don't get me wrong, she completely deserves all the love and happiness that comes her way, i am definitely cheering her on and supporting her in everything she does (even though i think i might puke when she starts talking all mushy, but that's just me) but it just has got me to thinking (and maybe its the Capetian Morgan I've drank) i feel like I'm missing out on something, i feel like I'll never have what she has. for some reason i feel deprived. I'm starting to think that maybe its me, maybe there is something wrong with me. i know that I'm a lovable person, i know that i could love someone unconditionally if given the chance, but for some reason that's not appealing. then of course there is the whole weight issue, maybe that's whats keeping me from finding love and finding a guy who will love me. i think that if i changed everything about my appearance it would help out my love life, but then i think why the hell should i have to change who i am just to suite a guy....that's no right in any form. i think i am over the "heartache" stage of my break-up with josh, i am threw crying over him cause i know its not going to change anything, but now i am in this "whats wrong with me" stage. i feel lost, out of touch, worthless, unlovable and most of all alone. being alone is probably the hardest feeling to deal with, I'll never accept it, I'll never come to terms with it, its such a horrible word...alone, who the fuck whats to be alone???? everywhere i look there are couples, i hate it....i hate that i don't have that anymore, i am fucking pissed that i have to be alone! it fucking sucks!
right now everything sucks, I'm so bitter its pathetic, i know i should just suck it up hold my head up high and walk on, but i can't, i can't possible hold my head high when i have nothing to be proud of. I'm never felt more like a failure than i do right at this moment, I've failed at everything, school, friends, love, jobs, life.....i feel like I'm at the bottom and there is no way i am ever coming up again. I'm stuck in sucksville, and the mayor is loneliness.
i hate having no one to be with no one to hold, no one to talk to, to love, to kiss, to hold my hand its just such a disappointing feeling. right now i hate everything about love, couples, and what it stands for.

i feel like i just took 5 steps back

so although i'm not doing the greatest, i was however doing okay, but then the phone rang. (stupid phone is the root of all evil) my ex called...at first everything was fine, we were talking like friends do, just talking about random things...then after us talking for about 30 mins. he said "so you going to come over"....i was absolutely floored, of course i told him no, (which took alot of courage) and well everything got werid between us yet again. he got really quiet, but i actually stood up and told him why i said no. i told him how its not fair to me, if i would go over there then i would have this hope of us getting back together, then i would leave disappointed and hurt...back where i started. the he was like "well then i'm getting off here bye" OMG...i'm sorry that i'm not at his backing call anymore, he's the the one who broke things off with me...so i have a right to be upset..i'm not going to just sit around and wait for him to change his mind. i think i'm not going to talk to him for awhile, let him think of what he's done.

on another note: i think that J is ignoring me, i've messaged him & he's been online, but nothing, sent him comments but nothing....i dunno how to feel about that, i want to call him but i don't want to bother him. i think i might call him tomorrow evening, when i think his classes are done....then find out what the hell is up with him.

BOYS ARE STUPID

reality

Death, departure, walk away, walk out
should i stay or should i bow out
Family and friends
Lovers and one-night stands
I have loved, lost and lived
How do I trust, how do I love again
I should move on, it's all in my past
But my pain remains, continues and lasts
This pain lingers in my heart, mind and soul
Damn it - why is this world so cold
How can I have faith in God and family
When people I love are taken from me
Where can I find true and loyal friends
I'm sick of the lies, fights and revenge
Hurt continuously, hurt at a young age
How do I love again with all of my rage
How do I get past all of this, show me a sign
So I can leave my sadness, pain and crying behind

stupid boys

waiting for guys to call is like waiting for a really expensive shoes to go on sale...it seems to take forever, but when it happens its so worth the wait. i hate suspense, i hate waiting, I'm very impatient. i just think when a guy tells you that he'll give you a call, he should give you a call....he shouldn't wait 5 days after the first call, or date, or whatever. it takes about 30 mins. to have a full conversation (unless your girls), at least when they call you know they were thinking of you....maybe i am stressing about nothing, J has a full life and productive life, school, work, friends...blah blah...i guess this whole being alone is really hitting me hard..i hate the "talking" phase, i wish i could skip that and the dating & just pick who i like, put us together & that's that...but oh no everything has be more complicated than that.everything is seems to standing still yet racing by all at the same time. i have no idea what i feel right now, all i know is i want to crawl into a hole. i want everything to change, but stay the same! i hate feeling so out of control..i think i am losing my mind, everything in my head is cloudy, nothing is clear, nothing is stable, nothing is logical.

the long awaited phone call

so i finally got up enough nerve to call J, voicemail is what i got, i was sorta relieved though...left a message & a little while later the phone rang, not thinking it was him just looked at the caller id, finally it was him. my heart jumped, my stomach fell....i was excited, nervous, happy, scared all at the same time. the convo was short, nothing to exciting really, just talked about our day and what had went on in our non-eventful day. he said he was tired, so we ended the convo maybe 30 mins after it began but in that time, i realized being so nervous was just plain silly, i mean we were friends awhile ago, so aren't we still friends? and if so, why should i be so worked up to talk to an old friend? although it wasn't the convo i imagined, it was a good start, i mean yea it was sorta short, sorta awkward, but he was tired, and i was nervous....he said he would def. give me a call , I'm glad we got that first phone call out of the way, i mean hopefully we'll talk again when he isn't as tired and it will be longer...maybe next time it'll be a little more informative. i realize that in order to show J that i like him, i gotta put forth some effort, stop being so insecure, start talking more, stop holding back cause i am afraid of being rejected. if he rejects me its going to happen rather he knows i like him or not right? i mean i know he likes me and he knows i like him, so that should of been the hardest part really, getting that out in the open. from now on i'm going to try really hard & stop over analyzing everything little thing i say & do...i gotta just let shit happen. if he really wants to get to know me, then he'll work through the awkwardness with me, and if not, well yea i'll be where i started, but i know in the end i'll be okay no matter what. he's just a boy, i can't let him control everything thats inside me.

the here and now

i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't think straight, everything seems to falling apart, well the things that were still intact. i feel lonely, and i hate that feeling. things aren't really going anywhere with J, i mean yea i know he likes me, and i know he thinks of me or whatever but i guess i just want more cause i am lonely. i want to call him so badly, i want to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, but every time i want to i can't. I'm to scared, honestly i am scared, I'm not sure of what, i guess mostly i am scared of getting hurt again, i am scared he'll just use me, i am scared that I'll get attached then he'll leave me like the others before him. i hate rejection, there is nothing worse than putting your heart out there just so it can get broken. i hate feeling voluble, i hate waiting to see if he'll call. every time the phone rings my heart jumps, and my stomach falls...but then when its not him i feel this huge disappointment, sorta sad, sorta mad. i have no idea if i even have any deeper feelings for J other than just a "crush" but i think i would like to get some.....i don't know...its just scary to be left hanging, its scary to be alone, its scary to be scared. everything just seems really fucked up right now. i feel like I've been dumped into a huge forest and i got to find my way with no light, no map, no one to guide me. i just keep asking myself, if he does like me, if he does want to become better friends, and he does think of me, wouldn't he call? i mean even if it was just for like 30 mins. wouldn't he put forth the effort? but then again maybe he is waiting for me to call, he might be thinking the same exact things...i don't know, i know absolutely nothing right now....I'm not sure i could tell you my name its so bad...what if he isn't interested in me like i am in him, what if he just wants to get laid? what if I'm not against that? what if this goes nowhere?, then i am stuck where i started, what if i become just a "rebound" ? i know there will always be a million "ifs, and whys" i just need a sign, something, something to push me to take this chance. i don't want to be left wondering "what if" i don't want him to get away, so maybe we won't have a happy ending, but maybe we can become best friends, and if i let all these "ifs" control me I'll never know what might of been. right?
this is so frustrating...why can't i just call him, why am i acting like if i call him its going to end the world....i feel like such a child...i can't keep putting it off then he'll think i don't like him or something...omg if we're going to be friends then i should just do it already & get the awkwardness out of the damn way!

the kiss

we stood in the doorway
his hands on my waist
the clock ticking loudly
almost in haste

he moved in closer
his eyes locked on mine
i long for his kiss
for just a moment in time

his lips met mine
and i felt the sensation
no longer must i wait
to give into this sweet temptation

my knees go weak
my palms become sweaty
i go places I've been so many times already

the world disappears
all that's left is him and i
and as we pull away
i feel as though i could fly

lost

confusion
anxiety
anger and pain
despair
hatred
isn't it all the same

turmoil
anguish
pitty and revenge
spite
condemned
when is it going to end

loneliness
heartache
must i be disturbed
desolate
forlorn
will i always be alone

pain of the night

watch as this tear falls onto empty space
see it fall in lifes nameless place
can you see the sparkle as it catches the light
that sparkle once was happiness
but is no longer in sight
as it falls, watch it, its color has changed
from green to red, it has a wide range

there it goes all alone, it continues to fall
with it, it takes the emotion of it all
wait, can you hear that, a sob broke free
this has shook the lungs cold, but yet it continues to be
there it comes, a force has been built between the eye
a wall of shear water, its now time to cry
a shudder, a scream, darkness engulfs my soul
the darkness of night has taken its toll

everything

every new beginning
comes from some beginnings end
every time you kill me
i am born again
every time you close that door
another one is opened
and every time you say good-bye
another word is spoken
every time you look at me
my back is facing you
and every time you ask to see me
I'll have something else to do
every time i join in on your game
your not playing fair
and every time you say you love me
I'll pretend not to care

open book

except for the few pages of my past
my life is an empty book
it takes the shape of a mystery
to me it does at least
for i cannot tell what happens next
to many cliffhangers, and to much suspense
but its clues all lead eventually to the same place
unfortunately it does not say where
it only says to get the next book
for in this one you've run out of room

mirror-mirror

mirror-mirror on the wall
show me what you see
if you really reflect it all
show every piece of me

behind my eyes, behind my smile
deep into my soul
linger for a little while
show me all you know

not just a figure standing here
reveal all that's inside
show me even though i fear
here and now its time

show the bruised and battered place in me
the piece that just can't cope
the part that longs to be set free
the side where life's a joke

the innocence hiding behind the sin
the adult inside the child
the heart that won't let anyone in
the piece of that's mild

the place in me that's always red
the part that forever blue
the side that follows what is said
the piece that's constantly confused

the place in me that thinks I'm right
the part that knows I'm wrong
the piece that's bloated with pride
the side that can't go on

the coward inside the fighter
the genius beside the dumb
the part that's drunk with laughter
the side that shies from fun

so mirror-mirror on the wall
I'll step back so i can see
if you really reflect it all
the show me every piece of me
the piece that they will never see