i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't think straight, everything seems to falling apart, well the things that were still intact. i feel lonely, and i hate that feeling. things aren't really going anywhere with J, i mean yea i know he likes me, and i know he thinks of me or whatever but i guess i just want more cause i am lonely. i want to call him so badly, i want to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, but every time i want to i can't. I'm to scared, honestly i am scared, I'm not sure of what, i guess mostly i am scared of getting hurt again, i am scared he'll just use me, i am scared that I'll get attached then he'll leave me like the others before him. i hate rejection, there is nothing worse than putting your heart out there just so it can get broken. i hate feeling voluble, i hate waiting to see if he'll call. every time the phone rings my heart jumps, and my stomach falls...but then when its not him i feel this huge disappointment, sorta sad, sorta mad. i have no idea if i even have any deeper feelings for J other than just a "crush" but i think i would like to get some.....i don't know...its just scary to be left hanging, its scary to be alone, its scary to be scared. everything just seems really fucked up right now. i feel like I've been dumped into a huge forest and i got to find my way with no light, no map, no one to guide me. i just keep asking myself, if he does like me, if he does want to become better friends, and he does think of me, wouldn't he call? i mean even if it was just for like 30 mins. wouldn't he put forth the effort? but then again maybe he is waiting for me to call, he might be thinking the same exact things...i don't know, i know absolutely nothing right now....I'm not sure i could tell you my name its so bad...what if he isn't interested in me like i am in him, what if he just wants to get laid? what if I'm not against that? what if this goes nowhere?, then i am stuck where i started, what if i become just a "rebound" ? i know there will always be a million "ifs, and whys" i just need a sign, something, something to push me to take this chance. i don't want to be left wondering "what if" i don't want him to get away, so maybe we won't have a happy ending, but maybe we can become best friends, and if i let all these "ifs" control me I'll never know what might of been. right?
this is so frustrating...why can't i just call him, why am i acting like if i call him its going to end the world....i feel like such a child...i can't keep putting it off then he'll think i don't like him or something...omg if we're going to be friends then i should just do it already & get the awkwardness out of the damn way!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment