my minni vaction thus far

its been awhile since I've blogged anything, and since I've had a few drinks and thoughts are racing through my head i figured it was a good time to update. I'm currently out of town visiting a long, long time friend...this chick is someone who knows me better than i know myself sometimes (which is scary sometimes) its only been one day so far, but i gotta say I'm having a good time thus far, just hanging out with her and getting to know her boyfriend has been a blast. but i gotta admit that seeing how good they are together, how in love they are, well it makes me sorta sad, sorta jealous, and sorta angry all at the same time. it just seems like everyone is in love and happy except me. i am very happy for her don't get me wrong, she completely deserves all the love and happiness that comes her way, i am definitely cheering her on and supporting her in everything she does (even though i think i might puke when she starts talking all mushy, but that's just me) but it just has got me to thinking (and maybe its the Capetian Morgan I've drank) i feel like I'm missing out on something, i feel like I'll never have what she has. for some reason i feel deprived. I'm starting to think that maybe its me, maybe there is something wrong with me. i know that I'm a lovable person, i know that i could love someone unconditionally if given the chance, but for some reason that's not appealing. then of course there is the whole weight issue, maybe that's whats keeping me from finding love and finding a guy who will love me. i think that if i changed everything about my appearance it would help out my love life, but then i think why the hell should i have to change who i am just to suite a guy....that's no right in any form. i think i am over the "heartache" stage of my break-up with josh, i am threw crying over him cause i know its not going to change anything, but now i am in this "whats wrong with me" stage. i feel lost, out of touch, worthless, unlovable and most of all alone. being alone is probably the hardest feeling to deal with, I'll never accept it, I'll never come to terms with it, its such a horrible word...alone, who the fuck whats to be alone???? everywhere i look there are couples, i hate it....i hate that i don't have that anymore, i am fucking pissed that i have to be alone! it fucking sucks!
right now everything sucks, I'm so bitter its pathetic, i know i should just suck it up hold my head up high and walk on, but i can't, i can't possible hold my head high when i have nothing to be proud of. I'm never felt more like a failure than i do right at this moment, I've failed at everything, school, friends, love, jobs, life.....i feel like I'm at the bottom and there is no way i am ever coming up again. I'm stuck in sucksville, and the mayor is loneliness.
i hate having no one to be with no one to hold, no one to talk to, to love, to kiss, to hold my hand its just such a disappointing feeling. right now i hate everything about love, couples, and what it stands for.