i feel like i just took 5 steps back

so although i'm not doing the greatest, i was however doing okay, but then the phone rang. (stupid phone is the root of all evil) my ex called...at first everything was fine, we were talking like friends do, just talking about random things...then after us talking for about 30 mins. he said "so you going to come over"....i was absolutely floored, of course i told him no, (which took alot of courage) and well everything got werid between us yet again. he got really quiet, but i actually stood up and told him why i said no. i told him how its not fair to me, if i would go over there then i would have this hope of us getting back together, then i would leave disappointed and hurt...back where i started. the he was like "well then i'm getting off here bye" OMG...i'm sorry that i'm not at his backing call anymore, he's the the one who broke things off with me...so i have a right to be upset..i'm not going to just sit around and wait for him to change his mind. i think i'm not going to talk to him for awhile, let him think of what he's done.

on another note: i think that J is ignoring me, i've messaged him & he's been online, but nothing, sent him comments but nothing....i dunno how to feel about that, i want to call him but i don't want to bother him. i think i might call him tomorrow evening, when i think his classes are done....then find out what the hell is up with him.

BOYS ARE STUPID

reality

Death, departure, walk away, walk out
should i stay or should i bow out
Family and friends
Lovers and one-night stands
I have loved, lost and lived
How do I trust, how do I love again
I should move on, it's all in my past
But my pain remains, continues and lasts
This pain lingers in my heart, mind and soul
Damn it - why is this world so cold
How can I have faith in God and family
When people I love are taken from me
Where can I find true and loyal friends
I'm sick of the lies, fights and revenge
Hurt continuously, hurt at a young age
How do I love again with all of my rage
How do I get past all of this, show me a sign
So I can leave my sadness, pain and crying behind

stupid boys

waiting for guys to call is like waiting for a really expensive shoes to go on sale...it seems to take forever, but when it happens its so worth the wait. i hate suspense, i hate waiting, I'm very impatient. i just think when a guy tells you that he'll give you a call, he should give you a call....he shouldn't wait 5 days after the first call, or date, or whatever. it takes about 30 mins. to have a full conversation (unless your girls), at least when they call you know they were thinking of you....maybe i am stressing about nothing, J has a full life and productive life, school, work, friends...blah blah...i guess this whole being alone is really hitting me hard..i hate the "talking" phase, i wish i could skip that and the dating & just pick who i like, put us together & that's that...but oh no everything has be more complicated than that.everything is seems to standing still yet racing by all at the same time. i have no idea what i feel right now, all i know is i want to crawl into a hole. i want everything to change, but stay the same! i hate feeling so out of control..i think i am losing my mind, everything in my head is cloudy, nothing is clear, nothing is stable, nothing is logical.

the long awaited phone call

so i finally got up enough nerve to call J, voicemail is what i got, i was sorta relieved though...left a message & a little while later the phone rang, not thinking it was him just looked at the caller id, finally it was him. my heart jumped, my stomach fell....i was excited, nervous, happy, scared all at the same time. the convo was short, nothing to exciting really, just talked about our day and what had went on in our non-eventful day. he said he was tired, so we ended the convo maybe 30 mins after it began but in that time, i realized being so nervous was just plain silly, i mean we were friends awhile ago, so aren't we still friends? and if so, why should i be so worked up to talk to an old friend? although it wasn't the convo i imagined, it was a good start, i mean yea it was sorta short, sorta awkward, but he was tired, and i was nervous....he said he would def. give me a call , I'm glad we got that first phone call out of the way, i mean hopefully we'll talk again when he isn't as tired and it will be longer...maybe next time it'll be a little more informative. i realize that in order to show J that i like him, i gotta put forth some effort, stop being so insecure, start talking more, stop holding back cause i am afraid of being rejected. if he rejects me its going to happen rather he knows i like him or not right? i mean i know he likes me and he knows i like him, so that should of been the hardest part really, getting that out in the open. from now on i'm going to try really hard & stop over analyzing everything little thing i say & do...i gotta just let shit happen. if he really wants to get to know me, then he'll work through the awkwardness with me, and if not, well yea i'll be where i started, but i know in the end i'll be okay no matter what. he's just a boy, i can't let him control everything thats inside me.

the here and now

i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't think straight, everything seems to falling apart, well the things that were still intact. i feel lonely, and i hate that feeling. things aren't really going anywhere with J, i mean yea i know he likes me, and i know he thinks of me or whatever but i guess i just want more cause i am lonely. i want to call him so badly, i want to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, but every time i want to i can't. I'm to scared, honestly i am scared, I'm not sure of what, i guess mostly i am scared of getting hurt again, i am scared he'll just use me, i am scared that I'll get attached then he'll leave me like the others before him. i hate rejection, there is nothing worse than putting your heart out there just so it can get broken. i hate feeling voluble, i hate waiting to see if he'll call. every time the phone rings my heart jumps, and my stomach falls...but then when its not him i feel this huge disappointment, sorta sad, sorta mad. i have no idea if i even have any deeper feelings for J other than just a "crush" but i think i would like to get some.....i don't know...its just scary to be left hanging, its scary to be alone, its scary to be scared. everything just seems really fucked up right now. i feel like I've been dumped into a huge forest and i got to find my way with no light, no map, no one to guide me. i just keep asking myself, if he does like me, if he does want to become better friends, and he does think of me, wouldn't he call? i mean even if it was just for like 30 mins. wouldn't he put forth the effort? but then again maybe he is waiting for me to call, he might be thinking the same exact things...i don't know, i know absolutely nothing right now....I'm not sure i could tell you my name its so bad...what if he isn't interested in me like i am in him, what if he just wants to get laid? what if I'm not against that? what if this goes nowhere?, then i am stuck where i started, what if i become just a "rebound" ? i know there will always be a million "ifs, and whys" i just need a sign, something, something to push me to take this chance. i don't want to be left wondering "what if" i don't want him to get away, so maybe we won't have a happy ending, but maybe we can become best friends, and if i let all these "ifs" control me I'll never know what might of been. right?
this is so frustrating...why can't i just call him, why am i acting like if i call him its going to end the world....i feel like such a child...i can't keep putting it off then he'll think i don't like him or something...omg if we're going to be friends then i should just do it already & get the awkwardness out of the damn way!

the kiss

we stood in the doorway
his hands on my waist
the clock ticking loudly
almost in haste

he moved in closer
his eyes locked on mine
i long for his kiss
for just a moment in time

his lips met mine
and i felt the sensation
no longer must i wait
to give into this sweet temptation

my knees go weak
my palms become sweaty
i go places I've been so many times already

the world disappears
all that's left is him and i
and as we pull away
i feel as though i could fly

lost

confusion
anxiety
anger and pain
despair
hatred
isn't it all the same

turmoil
anguish
pitty and revenge
spite
condemned
when is it going to end

loneliness
heartache
must i be disturbed
desolate
forlorn
will i always be alone

pain of the night

watch as this tear falls onto empty space
see it fall in lifes nameless place
can you see the sparkle as it catches the light
that sparkle once was happiness
but is no longer in sight
as it falls, watch it, its color has changed
from green to red, it has a wide range

there it goes all alone, it continues to fall
with it, it takes the emotion of it all
wait, can you hear that, a sob broke free
this has shook the lungs cold, but yet it continues to be
there it comes, a force has been built between the eye
a wall of shear water, its now time to cry
a shudder, a scream, darkness engulfs my soul
the darkness of night has taken its toll

everything

every new beginning
comes from some beginnings end
every time you kill me
i am born again
every time you close that door
another one is opened
and every time you say good-bye
another word is spoken
every time you look at me
my back is facing you
and every time you ask to see me
I'll have something else to do
every time i join in on your game
your not playing fair
and every time you say you love me
I'll pretend not to care

open book

except for the few pages of my past
my life is an empty book
it takes the shape of a mystery
to me it does at least
for i cannot tell what happens next
to many cliffhangers, and to much suspense
but its clues all lead eventually to the same place
unfortunately it does not say where
it only says to get the next book
for in this one you've run out of room

mirror-mirror

mirror-mirror on the wall
show me what you see
if you really reflect it all
show every piece of me

behind my eyes, behind my smile
deep into my soul
linger for a little while
show me all you know

not just a figure standing here
reveal all that's inside
show me even though i fear
here and now its time

show the bruised and battered place in me
the piece that just can't cope
the part that longs to be set free
the side where life's a joke

the innocence hiding behind the sin
the adult inside the child
the heart that won't let anyone in
the piece of that's mild

the place in me that's always red
the part that forever blue
the side that follows what is said
the piece that's constantly confused

the place in me that thinks I'm right
the part that knows I'm wrong
the piece that's bloated with pride
the side that can't go on

the coward inside the fighter
the genius beside the dumb
the part that's drunk with laughter
the side that shies from fun

so mirror-mirror on the wall
I'll step back so i can see
if you really reflect it all
the show me every piece of me
the piece that they will never see