just some thoughts on the single world, and those couples we revolve around

why is it when we're single, all we see are couples, but when we're coupled up all we see are singles? when we're a part of a couple people tell us how great single life is, but when we're single they tell us how we should be coupled up? its like a no win situation. my friend who i love so much, recently said to me "I'd like to see you happy in a relationship" even though she's the one who has said that i should spend some time by myself, figuring things out. i don't understand why people think that once one relationship is over you need to immediately find a new one? I'm not saying that i am enjoying the single life, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a new relationship yet either. i just don't understand why once your friends get into a serious relationship or get married they think that they need to push you to do the same. can't friends just be supportive instead of trying to push you into having what they have. i know when friends are happy they want you to be happy as well, but why is it no matter what their status is they want your to be the same.
I'm also tired of listening to people gush about how in love they are, how perfect their lives are, how happy they are, shoot me in the head now! i am happy for them, i want my friends to be happy, to feel loved, but its not something i need to hear about constantly when i am going through a break-up, when i am trying to put my heart back together, when i am not in a loving mood right now...can't they just shut the hell up for awhile until i get my air back. i mean is it really necessary to shout your happiness so fucking loudly. don't they realize when your alone you don't want to hear really cute stories about their perfect boyfriends. they should know by now that we know everything about them, we know when their happy, we know when things are going great, they don't have to keep mentioning it all the damn time. okay so maybe this is just a bitter rant, maybe since i am mad at my ex i am taking it out on all the couples in my little world, but right now i don't want to watch romantic movies, i don't want to read love stories, i don't want to hear about how much in love my friends are, i don't want to see a happy couple making out in front of me. instead i want to watch a slasher movie, i want to read about the wife who divorced her husband and took all his money, i want to hear about the lastest fight my friends are having, i want to see couples arguing. its not that i am against couples, or relationships, actually i am very much for them, i am very good at them actually, i do very well in a couple setting, but right now i want to be mad, i want to be negative, i want to have a few drinks and not think about my heartache. i realize that when your in love and everything seems really perfect, you want everyone to know, you want everyone to see, but why must they show it to someone who isn't as lucky. once again can't they just shut the hell up when they are around us single people??? its annoying, its stupid, its aggravating and most of all its really really horrible. cause then you start thinking about how much you hurt, you start thinking about how much you are alone, how no one loves you blah blah blah. it kills your buzz, it make you want to throw up all over the happy couple then laugh. but most of all it makes you want to bash your head in a wall until you lose consciencenous .I'm just being a bitch, but i feel like i am justified. i really feel like i can be as bitter as i want to be right now. I'm a like a little kid that just lost a t-ball game. screw the other team, i should of won and i plan on being a complete and utterly perfect sore loser!
i just have alot of pent up frustration i suppose, alot of anger i have yet to deal with. its in my nature, Virgos always suppress shit they should deal with right away LOL..so all i can say is its in my sign i suppose, just another flaw i gotta learn to deal with. if you read this my friend that i love so much (and you know who you are) i want you to know that i really am happy for you, i know you deserve to be happy, and i would never want anything less for you, i know your happy and in love, and i believe that is the most greatest thing for you. just know this blog has nothing to do with you what so ever, this is all about me, my words are not intended to be towards you, its just me getting my feelings out the only way i know how, and this you know better than anyone.
writing has always been my outlet (apparently right) its always been the way I've expressed myself, I've never had to worry about how people would judge me, what they would think, how it might affect me. its always been something that i knew i could do without permission, something i controlled. when i write i can say all the things i can't out loud. i can feel however i want, i can be brutally honest, i don't have to lie, i don't have to fake a smile, or pretend everything is okay, cause when i write its me, nothing more nothing less. just me, my words are my own and no one can take it away from me. i honestly believe that a piece of paper and a pen are the only things in this world i can count on, i can trust with all my heart and it will never judge me, never question me, never talk back, it just lets me say my say, its my best friend, the one thing i can turn to at the end of the day and know that when i am done i will feel better.

my minni vaction thus far

its been awhile since I've blogged anything, and since I've had a few drinks and thoughts are racing through my head i figured it was a good time to update. I'm currently out of town visiting a long, long time friend...this chick is someone who knows me better than i know myself sometimes (which is scary sometimes) its only been one day so far, but i gotta say I'm having a good time thus far, just hanging out with her and getting to know her boyfriend has been a blast. but i gotta admit that seeing how good they are together, how in love they are, well it makes me sorta sad, sorta jealous, and sorta angry all at the same time. it just seems like everyone is in love and happy except me. i am very happy for her don't get me wrong, she completely deserves all the love and happiness that comes her way, i am definitely cheering her on and supporting her in everything she does (even though i think i might puke when she starts talking all mushy, but that's just me) but it just has got me to thinking (and maybe its the Capetian Morgan I've drank) i feel like I'm missing out on something, i feel like I'll never have what she has. for some reason i feel deprived. I'm starting to think that maybe its me, maybe there is something wrong with me. i know that I'm a lovable person, i know that i could love someone unconditionally if given the chance, but for some reason that's not appealing. then of course there is the whole weight issue, maybe that's whats keeping me from finding love and finding a guy who will love me. i think that if i changed everything about my appearance it would help out my love life, but then i think why the hell should i have to change who i am just to suite a guy....that's no right in any form. i think i am over the "heartache" stage of my break-up with josh, i am threw crying over him cause i know its not going to change anything, but now i am in this "whats wrong with me" stage. i feel lost, out of touch, worthless, unlovable and most of all alone. being alone is probably the hardest feeling to deal with, I'll never accept it, I'll never come to terms with it, its such a horrible word...alone, who the fuck whats to be alone???? everywhere i look there are couples, i hate it....i hate that i don't have that anymore, i am fucking pissed that i have to be alone! it fucking sucks!
right now everything sucks, I'm so bitter its pathetic, i know i should just suck it up hold my head up high and walk on, but i can't, i can't possible hold my head high when i have nothing to be proud of. I'm never felt more like a failure than i do right at this moment, I've failed at everything, school, friends, love, jobs, life.....i feel like I'm at the bottom and there is no way i am ever coming up again. I'm stuck in sucksville, and the mayor is loneliness.
i hate having no one to be with no one to hold, no one to talk to, to love, to kiss, to hold my hand its just such a disappointing feeling. right now i hate everything about love, couples, and what it stands for.